It has come to my attention that the world obviously does not have enough fangirls (and fanboyz, can’t forget them). And because I worry deeply for their safety and wouldn’t want them to go extinct (ignore the sarcasm dripping from my words, please)!

I’ve compiled this list of must-sees and must-dos so that we can all unleash the inner fangirl (and fanboi) in all of us. So go lock your bedroom door (or wherever else you might have your computer when you look at naughty things), grab your pen and paper, and burn these steps in your brain.

After all, you don’t want to be the laughingstock of the Fangirl & Fanboi Alliance, right?

1. Choose a target; latch on to them like a leech.
2. Google, Bing, Yahoo, etc. any and all information you can on them. If you don’t know their birthday, blood type, and the size of their boxer briefs/panties, you’ve failed.
3. Once you have a hoard of info, proceed to tell anyone who will listen about them. So what if your boyfriend or girlfriend can’t stand them, they’re going to have to listen, DAMNIT!
4. If you’re in school still, cover all school materials (notebooks, binders, etc.) and your locker space with pictures of your target, magazine articles, and hearts filled with both your names. This will ensure that people know that your new target is yours and yours alone and that their heart belongs to you.
5. Join whatever official fanclub they have going. Whether its online or a one that is through the mail, it doesn’t matter. You need that kind of faux contact with them that a stamped signature can afford you…. $30 a year, at least.
6. Join any forums or fanpages you can find on the Internet. This will assure that you have all the latest, juicy gossip and that other crazies people like you will know which whore/asshole is dating your true love.
7. Any place that isn’t a page dedicated to your soul mate should have them overwhelming your signature & avatar/picture. These people who are unaware of your burning desire need to know immediately so that they don’t try to take them from you.
8. Make sure to promote them and their cause/project/career outside of the Internet. Let people in your town know about them and just how talented, awesome, and just all-powerful they really are.
9. Clear out a space in your closet or on a bookshelf. You need to have a proper area to put all your paraphernalia and to correctly show your admiration and love for your soon-to-be significant other. Multiple pictures of them and several of their personal items and things they may have touched or excreted work best. Light a candle whenever you decide to stare at it for your daily 3-hour routine of worship.
10. Start your own following in your local area or on the Web. If you head your own fanpage or forum, your hard work and stills will eventually pay off and your beloved with see your effort and send you an (automated) appreciative email!
11. Never point out your lover’s faults. As their intended, it is your job to promote them and help them further their career by gathering loyal fans (while fighting off the whores and homewreckers who dare eclipse you in their eyes.) But if you’re honest, you know they don’t really have any faults. They’re perfect.
12. When someone calls you a groupie, freak out. You are NOT one of those sluts/manwhores. You have a high moral character and would never sully your love’s image like they would. And you wouldn’t give them an STD, either.
13. If someone outright calls you a fangirl, deny it. You’ve gone past the point of fangirl. You two are destined for each other and an outsider to your love just doesn’t understand. You know each other’s deepest desires… despite the fact you’ve never actually met them face to face.
14. When you get the chance to meet them, throw yourself on them. You two are destined for each other anyway, so they shouldn’t mind it. In fact, the CEOs of the Fangirl & Fanboi Alliance encourage this initial behavior. It encourages people to realize and think that you two already know each other…. intimately.
15. Find their email address. Send them messages ranging on how your day went to the sexy dream you had about them the night before. The try to role play with them. Get creative.
16. Get their home address. Sending them gifts for the holidays, birthdays, and just because lets them know that someone (aka YOU) cares. And if you manage to get INTO their home, laying nekkid on their couch with a dozen roses is always encouraged!
17. If they have some skank or asshole in their lives the paparazzi claims is their “girlfriend”/”boyfriend”, send them hate mail and threats. You know if they’re hanging around your fine piece of man/woman, they’re just using them for their money, looks, and anything else that your lover has. You’re totally welcome to make a Fanpage on Facebook that goes along the lines of “We H8 ______ Becuz Their Just Using _____” or something like that.
18. Buy one of those fake engagement rings from a store like Claire’s. Wear it around and tell people you’re engaged to them! (This is obviously for the ladies, only. Guys, you can think of something similar.) Tell your friends, family, and co-workers that he proposed to you in your dream way and make sure to refer to him on a first name basis. And its not a lie about the method of proposal; if he loves you, he’ll propose in the way YOU want him to.
19. A restraining order doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It just means you’re coming on too strong. Instead of having them wake up to you staring down at them with possessed eyes lovingly, try sending them small tokens of love in the mail. A pair of your underwear, a shirt, or a lock of your hair with a sexy poem could work.
20. Remember: Above all else, you’re duty is to promote and defend your target. The more you spread them online and in real life, the more they can become popular and have more opportunities. Which means more chances for you to follow them around and meet them! So spam post away!

Fanboyz and Fangirls, unite! Abide by these rules and register with the Fangirl & Fanboi Alliance so they can keep track of you!

An Example of Fanboyz

Tashia